Closet clean out

June began with me deep in the closet. Looking at the chaos and confusion within was hard. How did I get here? Were things always this messy, mixed up and crazed? Surely I’d done a better job at keeping my life in order.

As I contemplated the disaster, I could only conclude that I was not as pulled together as I’d thought. Various seasons and phases of my life were indiscriminately intermingled. Some of these things I’d had since my 20s, a long time ago when I was a very different person.

Beginning the process of separating out who I am from who I was proved to be daunting. I didn’t make a lot of progress. A lot of things needed to be tried on, assessed and contemplated.

Was I comfortable? Did it show too much or hide too much? Who did I feel like with it on? As I rummaged among the piles and stacks, I found some things I’d forgotten all about. Shiny, pretty, sparkles, along with plain and practical items.

Both are me, but how much? Where is the balance? As I sifted and sorted I began to let go. Some things were easy. They no longer fit in my life, but others were harder. Some were hard fought and purchased dearly, treasured and loved, but ultimately part of my past. They served as armor of a sort when I was vulnerable, propped me up when I felt lost and useless, kept me warm when life turned cold.

As Saturday came to a close, things looked much the same as they had that morning. Would I ever make it out? Would I be able to find a clear path?

Sunday began with barriers and hurdles still before me. I stepped over them, then back over to where I began. I worked in fits and starts, feeling triumphant when I had completely dealt with one area, then defeated as I realized there was so much more to do. Little by little, one challenge at a time, I made progress. The mess spread and contracted, taking over places it never should, then being corralled back to where it belonged.

I took solace in knowing I was in no way the first to face this situation. Facing the deep, dark recesses of a place I’d long thought fixed and settled wasn’t how I wanted to spend my weekend, but it was necessary. Nothing was going to get better and life certainly wasn’t going to be easier if I let this mess sit and grow.

Feeling like I’d done far more than I should, I was finally able to step back and see what I’d accomplished. It was by no means perfect. Yes, some things were kept out of sentiment and I vowed to do better next time. Maybe I’d be ready to let go then.

Other items were packed away carefully, needed for another season and time, but still needing to be pared down, sorted, weighed and measured.

The closet is an interesting place to be. It’s quiet and safe. It can be carefully curated to contain the things that are most special to you. Sometimes you have to clean it out and sort the things that are overwhelming and smothering you, keeping you from shining your best colors.

All those things, those precious items you were protecting, might just be covering up your best self. They might have made you disappear into the background of your own life.

This might be the time to reach into your newly rediscovered bag and for one last trick, bring yourself back, just like Houdini.