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Watching TV is usually one of my main sources of entertainment — other than my hilarious husband, Matthew, and our silly dogs. However, a few weeks ago, I was tempted to throw the television across the room during a rare commercial break.
To my husband’s annoyance, I’m one of those watchers who constantly turns the channel during commercials, but this was a different day. I was not in the mood.
As I walked into the kitchen for ... I don’t really remember for what ... I heard some crazy woman on TV say, “Menopause is freedom.”
What the hell!? Who is this pendeja? I know she has not experienced the horrors of menopause or even perimenopause, which is the span of time before you’re in full menopause and when your ovaries gradually stop working.
Even though every woman’s symptoms are different, I’ve experienced what I could only call the worst time in my life — worse than when I had painful, debilitating cramps as a teenager, worse than being pregnant and even worse than giving birth.
At first, I didn’t know what was going on. My symptoms crept up on me like a sneaky snake making its way slowly and deliberately to squeeze the life out of me.
During perimenopause, the levels of estrogen rise and fall. This causes a variety of symptoms — some worse than others. It strips away your energy, messes with your mind and makes you feel like a stranger in your own body.
The hot flashes, night sweats and sleepless nights can feel endless. For no reason at all, I start sweating at the most inopportune moments — at the grocery store, at public events and even when I’m simply getting ready for work in the morning. It’s not like a normal sweat. I literally sweat excessively just from my head, leaving my hair looking like I just got out of the shower.
I realized something wasn’t right last year when my symptoms were getting worse, but I didn’t know why. At the beginning of the year, I noticed I was having a lot of memory problems. I couldn’t remember why I walked into a room. I couldn’t remember the names of people I’ve known for years.
Those aren’t the worst part of it. It’s much more dreadful. There’s other symptoms that have affected my life in ways I could not have ever imagined. They’re exasperating and debilitating.
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The worst is the anxiety.
I have always been proud of the fact that I have been able to handle the stresses of life. I could deal with controversies and criticism at work, the demands of marriage and just the everyday challenges life threw at me. I know meditation and prayer helps a lot, but this was different. It was serious.
I started feeling as though I was not in control of my feelings or my body. It’s an unsettling sense of fear. This feeling of anxiety is often accompanied by tingling in my arms and fingers and down my legs and in my stomach. What feels like a million butterflies in my stomach gravitates to my chest, causing not only nausea but also dizziness.
I had petrifying heart palpitations. I was shaking. I was crying. I didn’t know what was going on with me.
I woke up one day in February and I couldn’t get out of bed. It was a feeling of doom. I was helpless and didn’t understand why. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I felt, for the first time in my life, lost.
It wasn’t until I literally ran into my doctor’s office that next day — after dragging myself out of bed and into the shower — that I found out what was happening to me. I was going through “the change.”
I don’t know why they refer to it as “the change” because it’s much more than that — it’s a metamorphosis. It’s a time in womens’ lives that is confusing and transformative — IT’S NOT FREEDOM!
Like I said before, each woman’s experience is different. Once in a while, I’ll experience a bone-deep cold flash with a sudden chill and shivering. I’ve notice a change in my hair. It’s dry, flat and thinning. I also have dry, itchy skin.
I have also experienced a lack of motivation to do anything and feeling overwhelmed. I had serious brain fog and some other symptoms that I’ll keep to myself.
At first, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know. They wouldn’t understand, I thought.
Then there’s the social anxiety. I didn’t and sometimes still don’t want to leave my house. It’s not that I didn’t want to see people; I didn’t want people to see me. I thought they would realize what was going on with me. I would only feel comfortable if I was with my husband. He is my protector.
I wouldn’t go to lunch with my friends. I wouldn’t attend local events unless I had to for work. I declined my sister’s invitations for some family time. I felt bad for becoming more of an introvert than I already am.
After multiple visits with my doctor, working on my diet, taking my medications, I’m feeling more normal today than I did yesterday, but I might just have an anxiety attack tonight. I don’t know why and I can’t predict when it’s about to happen.
It’s a day-to-day journey but I know it will get better. When? I don’t know but it will, as I’m told. Instead of feeling like I’m in a self-destructive mode, I’m feeling more positive as each day passes.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have symptoms. The anxiety is still there but not as bad. The hot flashes are annoying but manageable with my multiple fans.
What has helped is talking about it. I’ve been able to join an online support group that gives some good advise about the different phases we’re all experiencing. It’s also been nice to talk about it with friends who are also in perimenopause or menopause. It’s kind of cathartic.
For those who are or about to experience this, please know you are not alone and you’re not crazy — you’re a woman, and know that it’s not just a phase — it’s a battle! Just know we will overcome!
