The Complaint Department

There was little doubt it was coming. After all, I had been dreading it for a couple of weeks. But as our newsroom meeting was concluding last Thursday, I thought I had escaped an assignment to write the next People & Places opinion column for the News-Bulletin.

Just as we were getting up from our gathering, Clara, the editor/publisher says, “Oh, Mike, you’ve got People & Places next week.” My hands immediately covered my face in anguish, a bit dramatic, but mostly sincere.

Why such angst, especially since I was clearly in the on-deck circle for the next P&P? Normally, I have several topics waiting in the queue, ready to be pounced upon. Over the past month, however, nothing excited or inspired me.

Writing about what is going on in Minneapolis seemed a natural. As a child, every summer vacation was spent in and around the Twin Cities, where my dad grew up. Honestly, it is just too emotional and draining of a subject to delve into at this time. My relatives, on one side or the other, might be in the middle of it. Perhaps at a future date.

My forlorn look generated a snide remark from a colleague, probably Julia, who wisecracked, “Just pick something to complain about … as usual.” While the comment was biting, it was also truthful. Despite my easy-going persona, considerable time is spent in print grousing, whining and griping. Plus, as it turns out, for several years I have been jotting down a list of complaints. In Google Docs it is headlined, “The Complaint Department,” similar to what we once saw in stores and in the “Peanuts” comic strip.

The list, which includes about 20 items, is too long to fit every perceived grievance in the column. While we can agree this seems a bit frivolous considering everything else going on in the world, maybe something lighthearted or not-so-serious is welcome.

Can I not hear you now, please?

The most recent item, added to the list on the day of the newsroom meeting, is about people talking on phones in public places, especially indoors. Two weeks ago while shopping, a man was having a loud phone conversation on speaker that lasted 15 minutes.

Do strangers need to hear about what size pants Jimmy wears or the latest gossip at work? Yesterday, I thought a guy was talking to me at a Circle K when he was actually in conversation on his Bluetooth.

What’s in store

It’s frustrating when you never know when some businesses are open or closed. Get in the car, drive to a local establishment to pick up dinner or toilet paper and it’s locked.

Consistency is much appreciated. So are the correct spellings on those adjustable signs outside of an establishment, which can be comical at times. As you probably have noticed, spelling is not my strong suit, but come on.

Red or green?

The timing of stoplights drives me crazy. Case(s) in point: The traffic jams near Los Lunas Middle School, the Los Lunas Post Office and Peralta Elementary School during rush hour. The lights seem to trigger when one or two vehicles approach from a side street, leaving a long line of cars waiting on the main road. The technology that goes into how lights change from green to red may be complicated, but can it be that complicated?

Too much talk

There are a couple of things about talk shows on radio and television, sports and news, worth mentioning. First, don’t interrupt your guest who is making a point. Second, don’t talk over each other. Watching NFL pregame shows can be so aggravating, with five guys trying to cram in bits of wisdom.

Dr. Rick

There is a lot to say about television commercials, including the Progressive Insurance advertisements with Dr. Rick. He’s the self-help coach on a mission to save you from becoming your parents, which in my case, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Dr. Rick chastises us for starting up conversations with strangers or making grunting noises getting up from the couch. My family argues that Dr. Rick is speaking specifically to me. I dispute that, although because of Dr. Rick I did stop the habit of shouting to someone who is using the bathroom. My bad. (Side note: Kenn from our office loves Dr. Rick).

A penny, or nickel or quarter for your thoughts?

When it comes to paying for items efficiently at a business, I am in rehab, making progress. We don’t need to dig through our purse or pants pockets to get the exact change with a line behind us. We don’t need to chat up a storm with the clerk. That sound behind you is me sighing or tapping my foot.

Quick hits

With space running out, here are a few leftover complaints: bicycles riding on sidewalks, people jaywalking across a busy road when a crosswalk is nearby, non-emergency vehicles driving around with flashing lights for no apparent reason and long beeps on microwave ovens. Did I miss anything?